{ awakenings }

Here I am, pecking away at the keys and it's late...so late that today is about to slip past us into tomorrow. And while I sit here I feel compelled to at least make an effort to try and spill out some thoughts, in spite of my fear that they will come across as muddy and confusing.

In the past months I have found myself longing for more alone time. The all day, every day demands of a 3 month old and a 3 year old, as most of you Mama's already know so well don't exactly add up to "extra" time to quiet my heart before Jesus, and allow Him to fill me up. And yet I find myself in greater need of Him than I ever have before in my life.
It's a thirst.
A longing .
A missing.
A ache.

A soft but persistent tugging at my soul as He draws me to His heart and towards the things that I know will bring me to a deeper knowing and sense of His love. I feel like I am in the midst of being changed. And I desire a heightened awareness to His gentle whispers of truth and overflow of grace. Like I said, I feel my need. My soul is like a raw open, gaping sore as I am painfully aware of this truth: that the only thing that is deeper than the ugliness in my own heart, is the pure flawless beauty that He has replaced it with. And what an exchange it is, bought with His precious life blood. I feel shaken up and so unsure of myself, and I mean that in a good way. I crave more time with Jesus, more time listening to His beautiful, holy voice. More time pouring over the life giving, joy bringing words He put into a love letter for us. More time sitting at His feet and collecting wisdom and the fruits of the spirit, and feeding my soul with His very own. And out tumble these stunning thoughts:

God wants us. God wants me.
God loves us. God loves me.

Without limit or constraint or conditions.

And while I cannot even begin to grasp an inkling of the reality behind all of that, I feel as if I am being woke up, ever so tenderly from a long drowsy summer afternoon nap. And while the warmth of the sun enfolds me, and the wind kisses my face and all is comfort and peace and I am dearly tempted to curl up further and continue to give into the sleepy, heady haze of unconsciousness. While the sky beyond is waiting, as if brushed across in alternating shades of blue and sapphire. While golden rays reflect off the lake, as in a mirror and skip twinkling across like a million diamonds. While a field of green, with the greenest green grass you've ever seen, is intertwined with thousands of cheerful daisies that are graced by every exotic kind and color of butterfly known to man, flitting in the shadow of great craggy, snow capped peaks.

The open eye, holds greater promise.

And if only I knew the scope of the depth and beauty and spiraling heights of joy that await, of course I would want nothing more intensely than to wake up from any nap, now matter how pleasant it's dreams.

Lord, please open my eyes.

{ photo borrowed from here }