Tuesday, August 18, 2009

{ awakenings }



Here I am, pecking away at the keys and it's late...so late that today is about to slip past us into tomorrow. And while I sit here I feel compelled to at least make an effort to try and spill out some thoughts, in spite of my fear that they will come across as muddy and confusing.

In the past months I have found myself longing for more alone time. The all day, every day demands of a 3 month old and a 3 year old, as most of you Mama's already know so well don't exactly add up to "extra" time to quiet my heart before Jesus, and allow Him to fill me up. And yet I find myself in greater need of Him than I ever have before in my life.
It's a thirst.
A longing .
A missing.
A ache.

A soft but persistent tugging at my soul as He draws me to His heart and towards the things that I know will bring me to a deeper knowing and sense of His love. I feel like I am in the midst of being changed. And I desire a heightened awareness to His gentle whispers of truth and overflow of grace. Like I said, I feel my need. My soul is like a raw open, gaping sore as I am painfully aware of this truth: that the only thing that is deeper than the ugliness in my own heart, is the pure flawless beauty that He has replaced it with. And what an exchange it is, bought with His precious life blood. I feel shaken up and so unsure of myself, and I mean that in a good way. I crave more time with Jesus, more time listening to His beautiful, holy voice. More time pouring over the life giving, joy bringing words He put into a love letter for us. More time sitting at His feet and collecting wisdom and the fruits of the spirit, and feeding my soul with His very own. And out tumble these stunning thoughts:

God wants us. God wants me.
God loves us. God loves me.

Without limit or constraint or conditions.

And while I cannot even begin to grasp an inkling of the reality behind all of that, I feel as if I am being woke up, ever so tenderly from a long drowsy summer afternoon nap. And while the warmth of the sun enfolds me, and the wind kisses my face and all is comfort and peace and I am dearly tempted to curl up further and continue to give into the sleepy, heady haze of unconsciousness. While the sky beyond is waiting, as if brushed across in alternating shades of blue and sapphire. While golden rays reflect off the lake, as in a mirror and skip twinkling across like a million diamonds. While a field of green, with the greenest green grass you've ever seen, is intertwined with thousands of cheerful daisies that are graced by every exotic kind and color of butterfly known to man, flitting in the shadow of great craggy, snow capped peaks.

The open eye, holds greater promise.

And if only I knew the scope of the depth and beauty and spiraling heights of joy that await, of course I would want nothing more intensely than to wake up from any nap, now matter how pleasant it's dreams.

Lord, please open my eyes.






{ photo borrowed from here }

14 comments:

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

This just took my breath away.

And it is so hard sometimes in the intense seasons of mothering to find the time/make the time/be awake enough to enter into that sweetness.

What a wonderful longing.

Cat said...

The amazing truth about all this is that HE! is the one Who created the longing in the first place. That you have become aware, are embracing it is sweet...sweeter than anything we experience. Thank you for the words from the depths of your heart, Chelle.

swell.life said...

wow. what a beautiful post, a beautiful reminder. you are such a light, chelle!

shabby girl said...

This is such a poinant post. I could really feel that longing.
One of the hardest times in my life was when my kids were 3 months and 2 yrs. Another couple of months & it was easier.
When I read this post, I thought of a truly wonderful blog that I thought you would enjoy:
http://simplyjoyfulphotos.blogspot.com/. I hope you check it out. It brings me strength everyday.

Amanda said...

oh chelle...how my heart understands and feels this longing with you...how i struggle with the sinfulness of my own heart, my impatience, my inability to simply rest and trust in Him, to sit at His feet. and oh how i long to run and bask fully in His acceptance and love and mercy. oh Lord, awaken us each...

~beautyandjoy~ said...

What you wrote and how you wrote it...yes and yes and beautiful, beautiful. xo

Leslie said...

Im so blessed to call you friend, you have such a lovely heart.

and the alone time... Im feeling you on that lately, and when I am alone, Im tired.. too tired to comprehend the word... I miss it...

your in such a season of transistion Chelle, a season waiting, and as I too am learning, thats when God really reveals himself to us.....

Amanda said...

oh chelle...how sweet was your little comment...and oh how i must confess that i am a mess much of the time! :) in fact, yesterday morning both of the girls were having melt-down moments...after our way too late night at church...which left ALL of us exhausted...and where was i while they were melting. perhaps i was on the couch...tears streaming down my face, on the phone with my husband...and thinking, perhaps i would call the doctor and tell him he needed to "remove the baby NOW!"...and this morning, at my appt. i was SO discouraged to find i had made no progress the tears almost spilled over in excess right then (even though i am not even close to overdue...and even though i NEVER progressed at all with my other two babies until delivery...)...oh my, the hormones...and i am definitely thinking the "mess" will take over just a bit more once the baby arrives...just another reason to be longing, longing, longing for Jesus!

Katie said...

Chelle,

Beautiful writing, beautiful Faith!

Cottage Mommy said...

Thank you for sharing such a sweet post Chelle....you are where I want and need to be...I just need to slow down and let God do that work in me! You are always inspiring in regards to your relationship with Jesus...thanks!

Lisa said...

Quietly thinking of you. Raucously believing for you. In you. In Him.

Lisa said...

I love this - thank you for being so open! You are a gift, sweet friend!!!

Cottage Mommy said...

By the way...love your beautiful new profile picture....

kt mac said...

This post was absolutely beautiful. what a pure and sweet heart you have!!

I could very much relate to your longing in this post as it seems to be where I am right now. Wanting more of him, more time to worship, more time to dwell in his word and to get to that 'next level' and grow more myself. Thank you for sharing so truthfully, letting me know that I am not alone and making me reach for my bible right now :)
and as always..
I love you!