Ugly crying in church

  We had a guest speaker at church yesterday. I have read and loved Dr Jerry Sittser's books over the past ten years and when he started to read this quote from St Gregory at the end of his sermon, I found myself sobbing in my seat. All day long I have been wanting to find it so I can re-read it. So happy to be back in this little memory keeping corner again. This speaks to the Jesus who knows and loves me and who I know and love because of that.

{ picture of Ruby Grace with huckleberry stained cheeks and mountain wildflowers from last summer }

 

  “As man he was baptized, but he absolved sins as God; he needed no purifying rites himself–his purpose was to hallow water. As man he was put to the test, but as God he came through victorious–yes, bids us be of good cheer, because he has conquered the world. He hungered–yet he fed thousands. He is indeed ‘living, heavenly bread.’ He thirsted–yet he exclaimed: ‘Whosoever thirsts, let him come to me and drink.’ Indeed he promised that believers would become fountains. He was tired–yet he is the ‘rest’ of the weary and the burdened. He was overcome by heavy sleep–yet he goes lightly over the sea, rebukes winds, and relieves the drowning Peter. He pays tax–yet uses a fish to do it; indeed he is emperor over those who demand the tax. He is called a ‘Samaritan, demonically possessed’–but he rescues the man who came down from Jerusalem and fell among thieves. Yes, he is recognized by demons, drives out demons, drowns deep a legion of spirits, and sees the prince of demons falling like lightning. He is stoned, yet not hit; he prays, yet he hears prayer. He weeps, yet he puts an end to weeping. He asks where Lazarus is laid–he was man; yet he raises Lazarus–he was God. He is sold, and cheap was the price–thirty pieces of silver; yet he buys back the world at the mighty cost of his own blood. A sheep, he is led to the slaughter–yet he shepherds Israel and now the whole world as well. A lamb, he is dumb–yet he is ‘Word,’ proclaimed by ‘the voice of one crying in the wilderness.’ He is weakened, wounded–yet he cures every disease and every weakness. He is brought up to the tree and nailed to it–yet by the tree of life he restores us. Yes, he saves even a thief crucified with him; he wraps all the visible world in darkness. He is given vinegar to drink, gall to eat–and who is he? Why, one who turned water into wine, who took away the taste of bitterness, who is all sweetness and desire. He surrenders his life, yet he has power to take it again. Yes, the veil is rent, for things of heaven are being revealed, rocks split, and dead men have an earlier awakening. He dies, but he vivifies and by death destroys death. He is buried, yet he rises again. He goes down to Hades, yet he leads souls up, ascends to heaven, and will come to judge quick and dead, and to probe discussions like these. If the first set of expressions starts you going astray, the second set takes your error away.”

– St. Gregory of Nazianzus, On God and Christ: The Five Theological Orations and Two Letters to Cledonius, The Third Theological Oration (Oration 29)

Gluten Free Cranberry Orange Scones

Gluten Free Cranberry Orange Scones -

 (makes 8 scones, bake at 400 )

 - 2 cups Cup 4 Cup multipurpose flower

 - 1/4 cup granulated sugar

 - 1 tsp. baking powder

 - 1/2 tsp. baking soda

    zest of one orange

 -  2/3 cup of dried cranberries

 - 6 tbls. cold salted butter

 - 1/2 cup of sour cream

 -  1/4 cup whipping cream ( plus more for brushing the top)

 - 1 large egg

 - 1 tsp. vanilla 

 - 2 tbls. turbanado sugar ( for sprinkling on the top, optional )

Orange Glaze -

 - 3/4 cup confectioners sugar

 - 1-3 tbls. fresh orange juice 

 - 1 tsp. orange zest 

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper

2. Whisk together dry ingredients and then stir in orange zest. 

3. Grate the cold butter into the dry ingredeint + stir until the butter is evenly distributed. 

4. Stir in dried cranberries and place bowl in freezer while you stir together the wet ingredients. 

5. Mix wet ingredients into dry until it comes into a ball. Try to handle the dough as little as possible so that the butter stays cold. 

6. Turn the dough onto the prepared baking sheet. Form the dough into a circle, 8 inches wide and 1 inch high. Using a a sharp knife or pizza cutter, cut the dough into 8 wedges, leaving them 2 inches apart on baking sheet. 

7. ( optional ) brush top with whipping cream and turbanado sugar.

8. Bake in hot oven for 17-19 minutes or until nicely browned.

9. Remove from oven and allow to sit for a couple minutes before transferring to a cooling rack. Drizzle with orange glaze and serve.

 

Personal note: Not all gluten free flours are created equal. So for this specific recipe I strongly recommend you using The Cup 4 Cup multipurpose flour blend for the best results. 

{ Home }

My nearly two year old shouts “ were HOoooME!!!! “ Every time we turn on the road that’s a few blocks from our house. And it always makes me smile.

Home is so much more about the people for me than the place.
Because I have called so many houses home over the
years.
Our home tells our story

Home for me is in his face and smile
That became their faces and their smiles.

Home is David’s strong but gentle love,

Home is Annabelle’s kind, laughing eyes

Home is Jack’s daily kisses on the mouth, even when he’s almost ten.
Home is Lucy Wren’s tight hugs and constant I love you’s.
Home is every freckle on Ruby’s face and her contagious giggle too.
Home is Willa’s requests to snuggle you, hold you, rock you.

Home is where my people are

Home is a a safe place to fall apart
Home is where I rest, cry, heal
Home is dancing and laughing in a dirty kitchen
Home is wiping up spills and bottoms and breaking up fights
Home is " I am sorry, I forgive you's"
Home is where I plant daffodils and the depths of my soul
My home is my canvas
My life’s best work of art
Home is an open-armed welcome to come and be nurtured.
To come and be nourished.
To be seen and heard and known,
And to belong.

Home is making eye contact with Jesus
Home is now and home is not yet
By faith first
And then one day, by sight
Home is where " it is well with my soul"
" I was lost but now am found "
desperate and alone until my heart found it’s forever home in you Jesus.

Declaring these Words of life over my heart + home today and everyday: 

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans‬ ‭8:38-39‬ 

Years of quiet, like weeds and brambles have overgrown the path I used to take to this well worn and beloved spot. A place I used to feel so at home in. This past weekend, I walked into the school room to find David scrolling back through post after post, going back in time, with one kid on his lap and one hanging off each arm. Every last post. Laughing and exclaiming and remembering...A lump rose in my throat, a kind of bittersweet ache. I miss this space. I stopped blogging for good when I let my overwhelmingly busy + messy beautiful life, squeeze out the time I spent remembering and recounting different bits and pieces of our story. Little stories of God's goodness, daily graces and clear evidence of God’s faithful kindness,  that I have found are forgotten over time, if not preserved.

  So I am starting fresh today. And by fresh I mean that literally. I started this post last week and only got one paragraph in before I got up to do something else came up, and i got distracted and that’s as far as I got. But I came back and am picking up where I left off in hopes that I stay in this place long enough to actually press the publish button. 

So here I am starting again with today. 

March 23, 2019, a sweetly imperfect and ordinary day. 

Today we did what I have started calling " fun-schooling," My kids have worked hard to earn some extra days off before spring break by doubling up so today we did school until noon and then ran off to the library, stopped for donuts, walked at the park.The little girls did some and fairy-house building while Annabelle was at ballet and Jack at a sleepover with his friend. 

Today I yelled at my kids to stop fighting. Never helpful or pretty but it’s the truth. Today, the house was more messy than not. 

Today I kissed my husband in the rain, who is about to turn forty and who just gets kinder and more handsome with age. 

Today I gave Lucy and Ruby their first " official " piano lesson and you can see from our dining room window, purple velvet patches of crocuses blooming in our back yard. 

Today I did not cook dinner,  Costco did. Grateful for those un-homemade chicken cilantro wantons. 

Willa discovered her shadow on the wall tonight and it was a moment of magic that I tucked it away to treasure and remember in my mama’s heart. 

I am reading a lot these days, before bed and early in the morning before the house wakes up. Today I am not ignoring my soul, in order to love and care for the souls God’s given me. So today I breathed in grace like oxgeyn. 

But most of all today I am in Christ. May my life today more than anything be just that. Today I have hope and a future. “ This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. Jesus has already gone in there for us.”  Heb 6:19 

Today I am setting my mind not on what is seen but what is unseen. Make me willing Lord to risk everything on that hope. 

Today I am praying for you friend. That you would know how dearly beloved you are, and that God meets you in every good, hard or scary place, that He holds you and sustains you in miraculous ways that would spill over into joy and praise and glory. 

  

{ awake my soul }

3.3.16

  I watched a movie the other night called Noble ( A Dream can Change A Million Lives ). 

  The grief and the beauty tangled together in this story of redemption moved me in a profound way and left me overcome with emotion. It is based on the true story of a Irish woman named Christina Nobel who bravely and with great compassion overcame unspeakable trauma and devastation.  Born in Ireland in the mid forties Christina's childhood looked like year after year of poverty, grief , abandonment, abuse and incredible loss . Brokenness and pain that followed her into her adult years. One thing I really love about her story is her honest conversations with God, through every low, heartbreaking moment. It was during a especially low point in her life around 1971 that she had a dream about Vietnam:

"I don't know why I dreamed about Vietnam, perhaps it was because the country was so much in the news at the time. In the dream, naked Vietnamese children were running down a dirt road fleeing from a napalm bombing. The ground under the children was cracked and coming apart and the children were reaching to me. One of the girls had a look in her eyes that implored me to pick her up and protect her and take her to safety. Above the escaping children was a brilliant white light that contained the word 'Vietnam'." 

This was a dream which she would one day triumphantly fulfil, albeit 20 years later. In 1989, with the goal to assist children in need, Christina arrived in Vietnam.

Against all odds, Christina set up the Foundation in Ho Chi Minh City where the number of programmes has grown considerably across Vietnam. In 1997, Christina expanded the Foundation's operations into Mongolia but she still remains the principal driving force and inspiration and retains close personal contact with the children.

Christina Noble had a dream that was to transform not just her own life, but that of the lives of 700,000 children (and counting).

Taken from her website: Christina Noble Children's Foundation 

   As the finishing credits rolled I was sobbing uncontrollably.  I sat in the darkness, grief settled over my spirit like a blanket as I thought of my precious four sleeping safe and sound in their beds in such contrast to the numberless, unseen children of the world who go to sleep every night without a father and or a mother, who go to bed with hunger pains, starving for food and worse still, starving for love. Grief for the voiceless children of the world who dread the unspeakable evil that comes as bedtime and all the coming hours hold to bruise their body and soul. My shoulders shook under the weight of this grief that defies definition and God's Father heart. The words to an old beloved Hillsong chorus rose in my heart: " Break my heart for what breaks yours, Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause, As I walk from earth into eternity. " Tell me, what is it that you want me to do?" I cried, without a sound into the darkness.

No answer came. 

Yesterday, no answer.

As I fell asleep last night, still no answer. 

I woke up this morning at 4:30 am and tossed and turned,  I felt the Lord gently reminding me to consider what He has already spoken, first in His word and also personally to me.

" Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. " James 1:27

It makes just as much sense that God would speak in the shower as anywhere else. I know a lot of us do our crying in the shower. 

Four-ish months ago, on something like a random Tuesday morning. I was taking a quick shower before school drop-off for my two oldest to school. When something came to me out of a blue that very clearly felt like a call from God. I feel shy and hesitant about putting this into words. I didn't hear God's voice speak to me audibly. I don't know how to describe it other than it was maybe a twenty second visual that came out of nowhere. I saw in my minds eye a picture of a large room, a coffee shop/bakery of sorts. And I saw some of my close friends serving the customers there alongside several young teenage girls. As it played out in my head, I scanned the room and saw beautiful art, clothing and gifts for sale, all made with the cause of justice in mind. Not just stuff. Items with a purpose and a person behind the price tag. All of it, meant to bring intention, hope and awareness through each purchase. A way to highlight and provide for the needs first in our city, but also without borders. A small porthole to love the world. A way to raise our eyes as we drink our coffee, to put hands and feet to Jesus heart and affect change and transformation. A place to make visible those, who in God's eyes are most important and worthy of His/our attention.  The unloved and overlooked and unseen. In God's economy " the last shall be first." I am not someone who normally dreams dreams or has visions. But everywhere I look in the Word of God for confirmation to pursue this idea God has laid on my heart, I see it. I don't have answers and I have no idea how or if this will play out out but I am willing and ready to obey and take next steps as God makes them clear.   

I run across staggering statics like : 

 If all the orphans formed a country of their own, it would be among the 10th largest nations.

80% of domestic human trafficking victims were once in the foster care system.

According to UNICEFF, 22,000 children die each day due to poverty.

The life expectancy of a child prostitute is 7 years. 

  Source: Pinterest

  And our hearts break and we determine not live small, selfish lives. Lets not get distracted by anything short of loving well and big.

  Target. Pinterest. Instagram. Homeschooling curriculum. HGTV shows. Netflix. Our busy schedule. Crafting. Homemaking. All good things I love and wrestle with every single day. But I pray for God awaken my heart to people first. I pray that none of those things distract me from the call to see and love people. Especially the people right under my roof. I see Satan coming at me as an Christian, American stay at home mom from a different angle. He knows this " not good "good girl " wouldn't be tempted by drugs or alcohol or lust as much as I would good, pretty things that make no impact on the Kingdom of God whatsoever. It's that tension and fine line for me of the good so often becoming the enemy of the best in my life and before I know it my energy and all the hours of my day are full of more things that really have nothing to do with Jesus transforming my heart, my family and that rippling out to the rest of the world that is thirsty and hurting around us.  I hope this doesn't come across as harsh and judgmental. I am just trying to process it in a honest and raw way. I don't want to waste my one wild and precious life on anything short of joining God in the work of loving people and seeing them redeemed and made whole by Jesus. 

  David and I have long dreamed of the future and what our we call our " forever home " and have strategized and planned  over the years about what that might look like. But really our forever home is heaven and the greater reality, seen through the eyes of faith is that what needs to come first in our hearts is " the Kingdom of God" We want to grow more and more in storing up our treasures there. I love how God is reshaping our dreams to that end.

For the few past years the Lord keeps bringing this verse  back and and singing it like a love song over me : " for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, " Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light."

  He has paid the highest price. He has proven His faithful love for us. We refuse to sit on that and call it good there. We will praise him with our love for him by loving people, especially the ones who have no one, no voice. The ones who are most helpless and unseen. Because He sees them, He holds them and wants to use us as His hands in our city and our world to be a part of what it looks like to give them a hope and future. 

And now what next? Start small. Be faithful in the little things.  Jesus, David, my four children. To raise world changers, lead by example. Steward my time well. To learn greatness from Jesus, who was the servant to all. To be more intentional and disciplined than ever about where I am investing my life. 

Jesus teach us what it looks like to live loved.  I know what it means to be a slave to sin and to myself but You have forgiven me and set me free and the very least I can do is joyfully rise to pour out my life out in pursuit of others, knowing that your heart is the same for them. 

" You yourselves are a case study of what he does. At one time you all had your backs turned to God, thinking rebellious thoughts of him, giving him trouble every chance you got. But now, by giving himself completely to the cross, actually dying for you, Christ brought you over to God's side and put your lives together, whole and holy in His presence. You don't walk away from a gift like that. You stay grounded and steady in that bond of trust, constantly tuned in to the Message, careful not to be distracted or diverted. " 

Col.21-239 ( the Message) 

“Stay where you are. Find your own Calcutta. Find the sick, the suffering and the lonely right there where you are — in your own homes and in your own families, in your workplaces and in your schools. … You can find Calcutta all over the world, if you have the eyes to see. Everywhere, wherever you go, you find people who are unwanted, unloved, uncared for, just rejected by society — completely forgotten, completely left alone.” - Mother Teresa †

{ a memory collector resurfaces and other Sunday evening ramblings }

  Early this morning I jotted down some blogging notes on a Starbucks napkin. After a series rather curious events have unfolded over the last couple weeks, and almost five years since our last move, we find ourselves moving out of our quaint little turn of the century two story home, practically just around the corner to a very spacious 1951 brick rambler with a view.  

  I wrote about another big move we move back in 2009 and how the bells were a miraculous reassurance of God's faithfulness to us. I felt seen and known that Jesus would love me in such an intimate way. Yesterday as I was hauling boxes into our new house from my mini van. I thought perhaps just vaguely I mignt have heard a sound of some sort in the distance...I dropped the box of books I was holding and sat down on the front porch steps, ears peeled as the tears welled up in my eyes. I thought at first it was my imagination. Imstead it was really and truly bells. There they were again. So faint I couldn't even make out the tune but there nonetheless. He hadn't forgotten. Even though I had.

  Unpacking boxes that have been tucked away in our basement for almost five years yesterday was surreal. But it felt life-giving to set up this little corner craft area in a basement storage room. Even with the cement floors and walls, lined with rough wood shelves, having a place to house all these precious memories makes my heart sing. Sorting through box after box and flipping through journals and stacks of loose pictures my eyes fell on entries like this: " my first love letter came in the mail today..." My eyes skimmed over page after page of my wresting with God, wresting that always led to surrender and joy throughout the years of waiting and unanswered prayers. I read these words a dear mentor had written in a card to me during that season: " God gives His very best to the ones that leave the choice to Him." I came across a letter of encouragement Joni Earekson Tada had written me after a wonderful life-changing week serving at one of the Joni And Friends Family camps. I found wedding pictures, pictures of each one of my babies. I found a little wooden box full of special things from fifteen years ago, including a tiny antique silver heart-shaped perfume bottle that David had given me, with my name engraved on it for our first Christmas together. I remembered him whispering in my ear after I had opened it, that he'd been saving it for years to give to someone very special. I came across my very favorite onesie that Jack wore as a baby, long-sleeved and cream with little brown airplanes on it. In the course of one afternoon my life flashed before my eyes and I type this in tears of gratitude. Jesus love for me has been the one constant through every single up and down, every mountain high or valley low. I have faltered and lost sight of Him countless times and daily. I have walked through brokeness, and heart break,both my own and others and found myself hurting and hurt by the ones I love most. Expectations more often than not dead-ending in disappointment  and even complete loss at times. But the One thing that stands out to me, over this collection of years of memories is that His loving kindness has never once left me. He's gently pursued my heart. He loves me with a perfect, my life for yours kind of love. 

  
My heart surged with conviction tonight in church as we read: " This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this; to lay down one's life for one's friends. " I copied down these notes from the sermon: " Love is the essence of what and who Jesus has called us to be. The measure of maturity is how well you love. 

Jesus fill me by your Spirit with your love, expand my capacity to love and move my heart to a place of action. A laying down. A great exchange. Your life for mine. My life for theirs. xo 

{ reflection }

  My word for 2015 was wholehearted. 

 " God, your God, will cut away the thick calluses on your hear and your children's hearts, freeing you to love God, your God, with your whole heart and soul, and live, real life. "

 Duet. 30:6 ( The Message ) 

  In 2015 I quit buying diapers. And I have watched my kids grow taller and farther away from the baby years.  What a honor it is to get to raise them and witness their little souls unfold. To be an intimate part of their shaping, of who they are becoming. I pray every day that they their hearts will be only, ever, all for Him.  It's a bittersweet process and I find my heart daily whispering these words:  "  the days are long but the years are short." 

   In 2015 David and I were able to sneak away for a couple different overnights. That was treasured time together. I have never been more in love with this man, who cares for me and sacrifices for our family daily with such tenderness and humility. The kids and I took and amazing road trip to see our dear friends for Spring break. We brought our precious, like a sister friend along and it was her first time to see the ocean. She's 15. She was laughing and crying as it came into view on the horizon. I will never forget that.  We snuck away as a family to our favorite place on the coast, Seabrook and ;  and in the summer my parents gifted us with a vintage trailer that the kids named Jolly and we have been happy little campers in her ever since.

In 2015 friendships were deepened and new friendships were forged. And we have seen God do miracles in our hearts and lives and the hearts of those around us and in our city. 

   In 2015 God opened my eyes to some incredibly dark corners of our world, corners I was not aware existed in such horrorfying magnitude of before.  Modern day slavery and sex trafficking became recurring themes in the days that followed and Jesus began to put people in my path and highlight these atrosities everywhere I turned. For months I wrestled as the  heaviness of the burden and weight of all I was learning settled over my soul. For a couple months during the summer I was sinking inside. Sinking under the sadness of the sin and brokeness I was seeing so close to my front door ( as close as the middle school that's two miles from where I live, but that's another story for another time ) Feeling swallowed whole by the enormity of pain and suffering. I felt broken for the loved ones I was watching walk through loss and trauma, abuse and injustice. The words of this song say it better than I ever could. As Jesus showed gently showed me this year that I cannot live wholeheartedly without surrender. I came out of that season with hope and a prayer that I would be delivered from whatever it is that keeps me from Jesus and a dream to see people delivered from whatever it is that keeps them from knowing Jesus.

I have come to this place in my life  

I’m full but I’ve not satisfied  

This longing to have more of You  

I can feel it my heart is convinced

I’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched

You already know this but still  

Come and do whatever You want to

I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where never been

I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in

Let love come teach me who You are again

Take me back to the place where my heart was only about You

And all I wanted was just to be with You

Come and do whatever You want to

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free

I’m going under, I’m in over my head  

And You crash over me, I’m where You want me to be

I’m going under, I’m in over my head  

Whether I sink, whether I swim  

It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

Whether I sink whether I swim

It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

I’m beautifully in over my head

I’m beautifully in over my head

  Honestly 2015 has left me with more questions than answers. So many more. But as the past year dies away and I anticipate all that the new year holds, this is not one of them: in 2015 I look back and see the unfailing faithfulness of Jesus. His perfect love for me, for my husband and my children, His perfect love for my friends and family, for the world: this is our only constant and unshakable reality. God's love and His Word, are the only fixed point of truth. And even as we press deeper into those places we doubt He is, as we fight back in trials and pain with joy, as we lean into the hard questions,  and walk in the light and do not step even a toenail into the darkness, as we love especially when it's ugly and messy,  as we embrace growing pains, and love when no one is looking. My our long days and short years be a lovesong declaring " and if not, you are still good! "

Books that I read in 2015 that left me a changed person: Holy Is the Day, The Hardest Peace, Playdates with God, A Loving Life, Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet,  Wonderstruck,

Books I am reading January 2016: Teaching From A State of Rest, Delancey, The Magic Art of Tidying Up, Cold Tangerines, The Reading Promise

I just set the timer on my phone for five minutes.
Five minutes of writing about this day.
A mild and partially sunny, middle of March, Friday afternoon...

The phone just rang and now I have 1:55 minutes left to my writing time.

  And my house is strangely quiet as my three oldest are at a friends house this afternoon, and the baby is napping. She will be three in September. There isn't a lot of time left to call her a baby.
I almost turned down my dear friends offer to take my kids this afternoon. But something inside me stopped me and instead of I said a quick " sure, that would be great! "
Why do I do that? Why am I so quick to think I will burden my friend by allowing her the pleasure of the company of three of my children for the afternoon? Especially when I felt downright giddy over the chance to watch two of hers for a couple of hours this morning. Why am I so quick to steal the joy of someone who wants to bless me in this way?

I have spent the last two hours of quiet, tidying up my house that had been previously tousled by children who need no permission to let their imagination have free reign at any given moment.

I was asking my self, broom in hand, why do I so often save the things that bring me the most joy , that fill my heart up for after all my work is done?

  So right then and there I dropped my broom and ran to the kitchen for an ice cream bar and resolved that yes I am going to go ahead buy that monthly subscription to audible. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by treasuring and savoring the stillness of this last quiet hour with the same amount of delight that my little Lucy had when she ran in from the front yard earlier this morning, with her precious dirt smudged smile to present me with the first little handful of purple violets. Which, after buttercups are some of the very first treasures of early spring to be had.

Time feels like a tv remote that is stuck on the fast forward button.
I don't have time to do a lot of things I want to do. But when I think of what God is calling me to, that at this point would be disobeying him not to write. I cannot afford to ignore or excuse my " lack of time " and not write at this point. I can't afford to not make the time at this point. And as a dear friend and mentor of mine pointed out, look at the gift Jesus gave you today, he provided the space and time for you to write.

 And so I'll write. And I'll run and I will tackle that mountain of laundry, and make those lunches and beds and grocery lists and I will run those errands and pick-ups and drop-offs and I will read that story, and more than once to my little girls.

 Only let my mothering and doing and being and loving, all be done as an act of worship.
" Let all that you do be done in love. " 1 Cor. 16:4 Praise brings a shift in perspective, as my eyes lift off myself onto our dear Jesus, I find a clarity and purpose that comes into focus as I uncover joy, bursting from every nook and cranny of my day, from the mundane chores, the middle of the night "cuddles" with my little ones, to returning that long list of phone calls and texts, to saying no to Instagram and looking my husband in the eyes. Adoration produces an overflow. And that means at this point I cannot afford to put off writing for another day.

{ the light makes my heart sing }

  One of my hopes and wishes for this year is to somehow pick up blogging again. I promised my dear friend the other night that I was going to post this. I have been a once a year blogger for the last several years now, partly because of the wonderful world of Instagram and partly because I have four children and we home school and I haven't made time for writing in this space. I often feel sad for the way I have neglected memory keeping in this way and I still feel unsure as to where to start in getting back into the habit of posting on my blog. But for now I am going to start with the most recent adventure off my camera roll. A family getaway to the coast.

 We made a spontaneous decision to go on a little family road trip across WA last month. When your husband works long hours, six days a week during the spring, summer and fall it leaves the winter for just such getaways. These pictures were taken during our stay at Seabrook, WA. my very favorite place in the PNW. Otherwise known as the closest thing I know to be like heaven on earth. xo

Watching father and son play soccer on the beach and hearing 

their laughter ripple through the breeze made my heart sing!

Lucy is my little mermaid, fairy princess with her blond wispy bangs who roamed the forest and beach, dreaming of all manner of beautiful girlish pretendings.

  

Sand in the toes.

 Beach explorations.

 My beautiful almost nine year old. With her curly locks and sweet, gentle smile. 

 A sunset walks on the beach.

Dancing. She's always dancing.

Catching the sun setting over the horizon. It was so exquisite, I cried. In awe of the beauty of the One who made all that we see and our very souls and loves more us more deeply than we could ever possibly imagine, ask or think.  xo

It feels good to be back in this space. 

Quite to my surprise, my fingers skipping lightly over the keys, feel at home again.

  

{ joy school }

Epiphany: " manifestation, striking appearance") is an experience of sudden and striking realization. Generally the term is used to describe scientific breakthrough, religious or philosophical discoveries, but it can apply in any situation in which an enlightening realization allows a problem or situation to be understood from a new and deeper perspective. Epiphanies are relatively rare occurrences and generally follow a process of significant thought about a problem. Often they are triggered by a new and key piece of information, but importantly, a depth of prior knowledge is required to allow the leap of understanding

   The last couple weeks have brought some big come-to-Jesus moments for me. This came as a suprise to me but these come-to-Jesus-moments were born out of some moments of pure ugliness in me. I am embarrassed to even admit that I am humanly speaking capable of this, but operating in my flesh apart from the love that constrains me ( 2 Cor. 5:15 ), I found myself in an angry shouting match with my eight year old daughter on our stairs. Where I was fully engaging my emotions in sin instead of pointing her to Jesus, which I am still as grieved over as I am thankful now for the ways God uses repentance to soften us and how quick the Lord and my children are to forgive me. Looking back on how such a bad day on my part could end up being such a good day, I only see grace and mercy and I am reminded once again that it is not my performance or perfection that He sees when He looks at me, it's Jesus.

    After David and the kids fell asleep that night, I was laying in bed but still feeling wide awake so I snuck out to the couch and curled up with a book and a cup of tea. It was truly the last place I expected to have an epiphany.  But it was then I began to feel this soft and quiet whisper in my spirit, that I now call my " joy thing."
  Joy thoughts in simple short sentences, mixed with scripture references mostly, were coming to me randomly, as if someone was listing them off to me. I promise I can count on one hand the amount if times I've and an out of body kind of experience but after these thoughts on joy, of joy started rising in my soul and didn’t stop until after 2 am that morning. I can not think of any other way to describe it. I had goose bumps and kept giggling and waking David up all night long and asking Him what He thought was happening.
So I wrote all these joy things down. And even when I woke up in the morning there were new ones. It still feels so surreal and I am not even in the least bit sure what it all means apart from these two things:  

1) That I am supposed to pursue deep joy in my life and study joy by reading the Bible from cover to cover, documenting and digging deep down whenever I run across that word in scriptures and peoples lives.

2) That I need to read everything I can get my hands on on the topic of joy! So please friends, fire away with your favorite recommendations or places of joy.

This is how I described the experience to my daughter last night, God is sending me to " joy school."  I feel so humbled and grateful for this gift from Him. For this heightened awareness, a joy radar of sorts. For the way joy is jumping off the page at me, and for how I am seeing it all day long, around every corner!

  In the wake of all of this " joy thing" a dear friend of mine lost her beautiful 7 month old grandson from a heartbreaking battle with SCID's.  We’ve been praying for over a month now, for healing and a miracle and for Jesus to break through. He did all those things,  just not in the way we wanted Him to. And I wonder, how often joy comes on our terms. And I wonder,  how do you reconcile joy when you can hardly breathe because life hurts so much and you are too broken to pick yourself up off the floor? And then, in the middle if my questioning, I was comforted by this quote from D.Bonhofer:

“There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.”  

Did you catch that part about the torment of memory turned into silent joy? The answer to one tiny piece of that particle puzzle clicks into place.

But what about messy joy, broken joy, raw joy, joy in depression, joy in catastrophic tragedy, joy in abandonment? Is it even possible for those words to be paired with the word joy and make sense? And I hold all these questions cupped in my open hands as I call Him good and faithful and love. That over time and eternity He will work out these questions I have, we have,

 

 

 
by His perfect, unfailing love.

And if you were to ask me today to summarize to you what joy means to me in one simple equation it would be this:

Joy=Jesus.
Jesus=joy.

This truth about joy is my foundation and and my jumping off place and I am thrilled beyond words that I get to be a lifelong student of the art of joy.

Joy______________.

Fill in the blank for me dear ones, and join hands with me as we treasure hunt for joy.